I never realized how many websites exist about suicide. They’re close to being academic, actually. Taking you step-by-step through the self-kill dejour. Clinical. Videos of men who have taken it down to a science. Like Jerry Hunt.
Today I searched those sights. Read through them. Because I felt lost. And I needed to shock myself back into reality. I wondered why tortured souls contemplated such things. I also saw the beauty in no longer being; perhaps non-existent is best. There is a peace, a new turn, a new beginning from an end. I’ve never been so deep in the dilation. The eyes. They mesmerized me for a second..
You can see I’m not thinking straight because I stared into the eyes of death, hopelessness until other voices told me to pull back, wake up. Breathe again.
The eyes of death are all around you. When they blink you can feel the breeze of an eyelash It vibrates the energy around you, turns it black. When the eyes capture you they don’t let you go right away. They follow you for a time, like a creep of a targeted cold chill on the back of your neck. As you move the eyes follow, steadfast.
The death glares – a past love, an old career, a lost friend, loved ones gone. All which makes you feel human disappears. When the death gaze releases, you crumple to the ground. Sort of slow, deliberate. You wonder how to find those eyes again.
You examine how to take your own life.
1). What’s important is how you rise from the ashes. Know when you’re in the grip. Focus on the fact the grip will pass, how you will fall. Just don’t forget to rise again. Even though you will no longer be the same person. You’ll be alive. You’ll rediscover the people who really love you. Those who care. Gratefulness will accelerate your rise.
2). Understand how far you will fall but swing. Hard. Even when the grip has you so bad you can’t eat, think, drive, walk, move, drink. You’re as good as dead.
3). A financial crisis doesn’t define you. The death grip despises your self worth. It will look to shatter it. Take drastic action to protect. Sell assets, hunker down.
4). Lock yourself away. Your friends will understand the decision to contain the wounds as the death stare is life altering.
Jerry holds up the face mask and puts it on his face. The mask is fastened by an elastic band which fits over his ears and behind his head. Emerging from inside the mask, below Jerry’s chin, is the plastic tubing which attaches to the gas cylinder.
Watch for Jerry.
His eyes will follow you.
Until he stops.
Then you will fall.
Just remember to stand again.