I stare at red life fluid in the toilet these days. Not a comforting condition.
The act of urination is a vice grip on what remains of a right kidney.
As I contemplate how I got here – One day you’re healthy, the next you’re compromised, I begin to understand how the deepest fears, sorrows, insecurities can manifest themselves until a part inside your body breaks. An organ goes wrong.
I hold a new respect for the power of the mind to target internals for disposal.
For me the mental triggers were (are) a relentless former employer attempting to break me financially, a broken friendship, and a breaking new business venture all hitting at once.
Lots of breaking. Broken.
An e-mail arrived.
In the early morning. The day of my surgery.
Several eye-openers for me. Was it a coincidence that I received this e-mail?
Not a big believer in coincidence.
As I read through, I knew the information was right. I received this e-mail in the morning of my surgery for a reason. I checked my spam folder (which I rarely do) because it was supposed to happen.
Indeed – there are no coincidences.
- The Kidneys are the fundamental cornerstones for the energies of the Yang and Yin. They are the organs that allow us to anchor the energies of Xing (Zhi) or Jing, the congenital essence inherited from our parents, which determine our constitution, our strength and vitality, and are responsible for our growth and development, and how we process aging. Well this says it all – the congenital essence from my parents can occasionally undermine my constitution, strength and vitality. The freak right kidney represents the congenital worst of mom and dad.
- Zhi is the spiritual energy of the Kidneys, is the hereditary memory or imprint of your past life and the ancestral energy of human beings, which records who we are and where we come from. It is the reservoir of life energy. The spiritual name of the Kidneys, Yuying , literally meaning “rear a baby”, emphasizes that the kidney organ system is related to the origin of our life. Through this trying period, I probably went to the kidney reservoir for life energy one too many times until the right one committed organ suicide.
- The weakness of this organ can be manifested by individuals that are controlled by their fears, which can damage their motivation and their will; slowing their thought process, and generating the tendency of getting stuck in various life situational challenges. Holy shit, was I, am I stuck in challenges and facing fears at this time. For a period of time, roughly three weeks, I barely ate and was severely dehydrated. I was in shock. I dropped 15 pounds.
- It is believed that just one of the Kidneys do the heavy work for the purification of the body, while the other one concentrates its functionality on keeping the lightness of the spiritual life and the sustenance of the other bodies. There you go, I was in deep darkness and discarded my spiritual life force.
- Metaphysically the Kidneys can crystallize the criticism disappointed and failures. They are intimately related to fear, low self-esteem, insecurities, and apathy for the present moment, isolation and indifference. I experienced all of this, all at once and hard. It was concentrated on my right kidney like a mental laser which destroyed its function.
1). Understand how fear and insecurities can cause real damage. Some of my worst fears have not been realized even though I tormented myself with outcomes which had not occurred. They weren’t real. My mind, ego created false panic. It sparked a weak link in my body to snap. When in a fearful moment, it’s important to become incredibly aware of what’s happening in the present. Step away. Most important is to understand the panic you create is not happening in the now. It’s a blueprint of a false future.
2). Stop the bleeding. You may have caused irreparable harm. Cauterize it. Make sure the condition doesn’t get worse. Following a healthier diet, taking a physical workout to the next level can help you maintain so the situation you’re in doesn’t worsen. Your condition may improve.
3). Disarm the anger. It was tough but I learned to completely release the anger created by the busted friendship. I still hold anger against the former employer but have channeled it to create a tactic designed to turn the tables on their insidious motives. If you must be angry, think clear and direct the heat toward intelligent tactics that will burn its source.
4). Good money habits create less stress. If you’re living from paycheck to paycheck or beyond your means, there’s no doubt you’ll suffer. Working toward financial security creates feelings of well being thus reducing stress.
5). Watch your words. Your words will inspire thoughts. Those thoughts may result in an organ uprising. For a time, I felt that life wasn’t worth living and was hoping for a terminal situation to take me away. Looking back, I realize how stupid and silly I was. Use positive words. Use words that display control – I seek to, I command myself, it’s in my control to change what I dislike.
As grandma told me repeatedly – “Don’t talk yourself stupid.”
Positive self talk – I’m fortunate enough to have one working kidney. I will respect its function.
I knew there would be damage because I created it.
I just didn’t know when or where.
In an early morning, before surgery, I decided to check my spam folder. Out of nowhere.
It turned out to be a blessing.
One day I’ll look down.
The water will be free of blood.
And I’ll know I’ve come a long way.
And I’ll be strong enough to work farther down the road.
In the clear.