You found out too late. Your compass was off. Like way off.
The foundation of your life, of what you believed was important to the core, was really a facade misconceived as an altar made of steel.
And when the massive cracks were exposed.
A harsh reality emerged.
A thousand serpents uncoiled and slithered in several different directions.
On a search-and-destroy mission.
As those you loved and entities that held your loyalties.
Turned.
Attacked.
And.
Sadly, it was too late.
To protect the structure.
The cancerous nature once hidden was then revealed.
What you built, what you thought you built, wasn’t what you thought it was at all.
Broken glass held together with false mortar of ego was all it was.
You had no choice but to allow your illusions to shatter.
Feel the heat of the cuts.
Embrace the blood.
Allow starving snakes to feed.
So I ask.
How will your structural integrity be invaded?
Maybe you never gave it much thought. Now you understand. Invasions happen. There will be times in your life that attacks will occur.
Disease, aging, flaccid privates, flab, hair growth in all the wrong places.
Your mind will find a way to slice you, too.
The invaders are never welcomed. True – some are expected.
But then there are the surprises.
The atom bombs.
The blind-siders.
And the heat of the invasion leads to scorched earth.
The violation creates.
An impact so earth shaking.
A blowout so expansive that.
Once it occurs you can’t go back. The structure as it was, can no longer be trusted.
And among the rubble.
You rebuild.
And it takes so much of yourself.
You’re weaker for the rest of your life.
Just like that.
Boom.
On the other side of the devastation.
You remember what was lost in the blast.
And in your dreams, you long for some of what you had.
Before the wounds.
There was.
Stamina. Determination.
Sanity.
Nothing is as it was.
Right down to the senses.
The blue on your tongue tastes yellow.
Out from the rubble of a structural breach.
The lens from which you view the world, yourself, are strained; it’s hazy around the edges. Although your vision, determination, direction was never clearer.
You trudge forward. Focus on re-calibration.
Galvanize. Work with what you got.
Execute with a new instruction manual.
Fuck.
What choice you got?
In the span of a lifetime, I pray your structure is never violated. If so, I hope you’re close to clearing the debris and eager to start over.
For the breached ones, the invaded ones, the violated ones, here are a few.
Random Thoughts:
1). Stack as many odds in your favor as possible. Take a realistic, objective inventory of what you got left to fight with. You’ll eventually learn your own ways to work around the break in structural integrity. Guard yourself at all times: Say no more often, immediately release those who drain energy, keep vigilant or aware of what can erode the structural integrity that remains. Do whatever is necessary to preserve mental and physical attack as another battle could end in mortal disaster for you.
2). Recognize the warning signs of attack. Get your head connected to your gut and take quick action. I knew deep down, attacks were possible, but I fooled myself into believing all would be OK. When it comes to war on structural integrity, your instinct can feel it coming. It’s an internal awareness mechanism you should not ignore (like I did).
3). Make a list of the things you must accomplish daily to rebuild. I deep breathe 5 minutes every morning; I apply positive self-talk to fight fear and worry. I work out to the point of vomiting. There’s a continuous, obsessive focus on healing and protecting the wounded area. The steps will be different for you. Just start something. Create healthy daily habits. Each action will replenish, protect and compensate for the damage. Most important, you will prevent the weakness from spreading.
4). Never forget how you left yourself open to blind siders. You failed to stay alert. Most likely 20% of your life force escaped through the cracks. Gone forever. You cannot afford another hit. It’s all about preservation, now. People, entities will seek to harm you to protect themselves. It’s survival of the fittest gone mainstream. Don’t be blind. Remove selfish ego-based people and thinking from your life. Create a circle of protection which contains those individuals, teachers, activities, foods, conversations that nurture you. All the rest need to be cut out immediately.
5). What can breach the integrity of your financial structure? You have minor children and no estate plan, no legal will. You depend on credit cards for emergency expenditures, you don’t carry adequate life insurance or disability coverage, you co-sign for loans. It’s a matter of time before your money will be attacked.
Believe me.
I’m not back to where I should be.
I suffer from this recurring dream; I’m standing deep in a yellow pea-soup colored fog. The sound of a roaring train fills my ears, raises my blood pressure and then rolls over me.
I wake up shaking. In a cold sweat.
It’s the tear.
The rip.
Reminding me.
Warning me.
That the next point of impact.
Will topple who I am now.
Threaten to take away those I love.
So I stand.
Ready to fight.
In the meantime, I will.
Replenish.
Stay aware.
Remember.
And wait for the fog to burn away.
For the last time.
Random Thoughts of a Money Muse 